Is This Love, or a Hostage Situation?

My husband, David, often spoke about relationships in his recovery talks. The reason this was important? It’s so much easier to find someone else to fill our identity needs than to do the work on ourselves. We don’t do this consciously. We will attract people that are on the same frequency as ourselves. We’ll be on our best behavior in the beginning. Over time, however, we will default to old beliefs and behaviors if we aren’t staying on our toes. If one person is out of alignment, the relationship most likely won’t last, if it even had a chance to take root. If both partners are out of alignment, it may continue due to the “codependency glue”, but both partners will be unhappy in the relationship. Codependency will create an unwillingness for one, or both, to let go. They’ll cling to what is, even if it’s not fulfilling, or even comfortable. Often, one partner is getting some needs met while the other is paying the price. This is when it becomes a hostage situation.

Hostage situations happen, especially to people who’ve suffered from emotionally unhealthy childhoods. There were patterns in my own psyche that I wasn’t aware of. I wasn’t emotionally prepared to protect myself. My radar was looking for a protector from out there. It didn’t matter how many red flags my first husband threw at me, I wasn’t catching them. By the time things got real, I was in my second trimester with my son. At some point it became clear, there was something in me that I needed to look at. First, I needed out of this insane relationship. And I needed to change. We divorced, and I spent the next few years doing some intense inner work. I got really connected to the Divine, and fearlessly made some big life changes for myself and my son. Eventually, my old default beliefs clicked back in, and I repeated the same relationship pattern again a couple of years later. Both of these relationships were, literally and figuratively, hostage situations.

Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have made the same choices. It did give me opportunities to explore those types of relationships. I learned from them and gained clarity about who I am. The relationships were a mirror into my shadow self, which I needed to heal. The shadow isn’t bad, it’s just another part of us that we don’t want to look at. It’s the part that holds onto thoughts and ideas that don’t serve us. To heal, we have to love ourselves in a healthy way so that we can truly love others. Suffering through a toxic relationship works, but isn’t exactly a fun way to heal. I would have preferred a much more pleasant experience, with someone who was a loving, emotionally mature, and solid partner that I could spend the rest of my life with. But for that relationship to exist, and thrive, I would have to be willing to change, and do the work. I would have to love myself, shadows and all, and I would have to be enough for me.

Being in a loving relationship with another human being is an expression of our true nature. It’s a feeling of peace, joy, appreciation, and unconditional love. Where unconditional love exists, there is no fear, jealousy, or demands on another. We respect and value the other person, as we respect and value ourselves. It’s a balance of give and receive. The relationship is a partnership with neither person having authority over the other. You have mutual admiration and respect. You’re together because it feels good to be together. Both partners reflect their best back to each other, at least most of the time. Nobody is perfect, and sometimes we fail to meet our own standards. It’s gonna happen. When one partner isn’t being their best in a loving relationship, the other allows him/her to have the space to be imperfect. Without judgment or emotional abandonment, the loving, healthy relationship strengthens and thrives. They get through the rough patches together, and they enjoy the smooth patches, embracing all of it as part of their life together. It’s a life of moment by moment choices to stay connected to each other, in a mutually beneficial way.

If you need a partner to fill a void in your life, you’re more vulnerable to attracting a hostage situation. The best relationships just happen, in Divine order. If you’re actively searching for a partner, and you find a willing person, be cautiously optimistic. It may feel like love. If either person becomes needy, demanding, or disrespectful, there’s a hostage situation brewing. Step back, and do some truthful reassessing. Am I in fear of losing this person, or do I feel I need them for my own well-being? Do I feel being taken advantage of, or am I doing that to my partner? Does this person make me feel uncomfortable in any way? Am I making myself uncomfortable in the relationship? Do I feel resentment or jealousy surrounding this relationship? Do I feel like I’m manipulating, or being manipulated? If you’re answer is yes to any of these, you have your own inner work to do. You’re either becoming, or taking, a hostage.

The wise thing to do, to avoid being, or taking, a hostage, is the inner work. The masters tell us, Know Thyself! This goes far deeper than your favorite color or food preference. Knowing thyself is knowing how to hold space for yourself when you need it. Allowing emotions to emerge and exploring them, even when it’s uncomfortable, brings you closer to your own inner being. Acknowledge your reactions to the outer world. Seek understanding of what is the root cause of anything unhealthy in your feelings or behavior. We live most of our lives through the unconscious programming we received during early childhood. We don’t really know it’s there, unless we do honest self-analysis. It’s a valuable and loving process to learn why you do what you do; what thoughts brought you to certain conclusions. As an adult, what are your triggers? Why do you perceive the world the way you do? Ask yourself some deep questions about how you feel, and why, when emotions come up. Once you really know yourself, you can tap into your true nature. Your eyes will open, and you will eventually become unflappable! It’s worth every moment of inner exploration.

What if it is a hostage situation; is that bad? Not necessarily. If you can handle it in a healthy way, and be fulfilled and happy in it, go for it! But if you had learned that, with the right tools, you could avoid it, wouldn’t you want to? In many cases, it’s not just about you; it’s about your children. Think about how your own childhood has affected your life? If you’re a parent, or plan to be one someday, this is something really important to consider. The environment they are raised in will mean the difference between them struggling, or thriving as individuals on the planet. That’s a huge responsibility! If we are still wounded, we’ll unknowingly pass our wounds on to our kiddos. Or worse, we’ll be unable to protect them from a toxic parent. What kinds of relationships would you want your kids to have as adults? Let that be your standard for yourself. No hostages!

To attract true love rather than a hostage, here are a few tools for your inner work. We all have different experiences, so start with whatever resonates with you. (We all need a Meditation practice, so don’t skip that one!)

1. Meditation – Learn to connect with the Divine, and your inner being, through a regular meditation practice. Ten to fifteen minutes a day in silence is good. More is better, if you want to make it a bigger part of your life. There are a multitude of meditation programs available online. Explore them and find what works for you. Keep learning, keep connecting!
2. Twelve Step – If you had a traumatic childhood, the Twelve Step program offers a method to dig deep into your psyche and pull out the stuck programming that’s causing self-sabotaging behavior. It works for everybody, not just alcoholics and addicts. You can search online for various Twelve Step programs; Al-Anon, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex-Addicts Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, etc. There are many, as well as several books and daily reflections available. I have posts on the steps as well, starting with Twelve Steps For The Rest of Us.
3. Read up on Co-Dependency – There are some great books out there on Co-dependency, such as CoDependent No More and The New Codependency, by Melody Beattie.
4. Understand Narcissism – If you’re an empath, you’re a perfect target for a narcissist. You need to know the signs that are often mistaken for confidence, charisma, or a strong magnetic connection. These relationships can turn cruel, incredibly destructive, and very hard to escape. There’s tons of information online on this topic. I was blown away by how much came up on my Youtube search!
5. Inner Child Work – The wounded child within is a part of us that needs our help to heal. It involves lovingly nurturing and parenting our inner child into adulthood. Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield is a great place to start.
6. Shadow Work – Shadow work involves looking at the hidden parts of us that we believe are bad. Judging things as good or bad is an unnatural and unrealistic assessment placed on us by society. The Shadow Work Journal by Keila Shaheen has gotten great reviews on Amazon. There are several others available on this topic.
7. Awareness of Thought – Our whole life experience is created from our thoughts. Don’t Believe Everything You Think (expanded edition) is one of three books in Joseph Nguyen’s Beyond Suffering series.

In a nutshell, knowing if it’s love or a hostage situation is up to you. Being solid in yourself will help you avoid being, or taking, a hostage. Stay connected to your inner being, and let your Divine nature be your guide in all you do. Be the person that brings a light to the world. Whichever relationship situation you find yourself in, you’ll grow through the experience. It’s all good!