The Sage in Trouble

Be Mindful of your Child’s Experiences So He Can Process Through Adversity

My good friend’s eight-year-old son, who I’ll call Jonah, recently got into trouble at school. While playing with his toy soldiers on the playground, he told a little girl that his toy soldier was going to shoot her. A reasonable “punishment” for his “crime” would have been to send him to the principal’s office. But that’s not what happened. He was quickly suspended from school pending an investigation and then a few days later was having to, along with his parents, defend himself in a courtroom in front of four principals. He was not allowed to return to that school and would be transferred to another.

His mother explained to me some of the details of what happened during the interrogation, and I was really affected by it. I’ve known Jonah since he was an infant and he clung to my husband during the first couple of years when we had him and his older brother and sister at our house. Jonah is a sensitive boy, not in the sense that he’s emotional, but in the sense that he’s affected by other people around him. He doesn’t lash out in anger, he shuts down. I can relate to this because I’m very similar. And I felt this event of Jonah’s at a deep level.

My father took my older sister and me from our mother when I was Jonah’s age.  He remarried, and I remained the youngest in a four-girl family. Living in a new step-family and new environment was hard. I was sensitive, like Jonah, and I struggled to fit in. during my second school year in Florida I felt nauseous from stress most mornings and was very insecure. I found some sense of security in my fifth-grade teacher. She was kind and happened to be a friend of my stepmother’s, who was also a teacher at that school. I felt safe with her until one day she yelled at me for not doing what I was told. She had asked me to pick something up off the floor, but I didn’t hear her and didn’t make the connection because whatever it was wasn’t near me and wasn’t mine. I had no connection with it when she spoke, so it didn’t make sense to my young mind what was happening. All I knew was that my safe person now hated me and it was my fault.  I had no one to talk with to help me process it through and I was ashamed because I believed there was something wrong with me.

This feeling of inadequacy stayed hidden deep in my psyche until my friend told me about Jonah’s experience. I was up most of the next night having several dreams about them and waking up with her and Jonah on my mind after each dream. The next morning, I remembered my experience with this teacher and the events in my life at that time. The dreams were helping me heal from my own trauma that was hidden from my conscious mind. They also are a stark reminder that what we say and do to our children can have a huge and lasting impact on them, and the world around them.

Here are a few points to consider if you’re raising your children to be Sages:

1. Help them to Know Thyself! How do we do this? By first learning ourselves to Know Thyself. In our current social situation of negativity and disconnection, you must be grounded in your own faith in a Higher Being and be able to see that expression of Source/God in your children, no matter what’s happening in their world or yours. If you can see it in you, you can see it in them and vice versa.
2. Listen to them with sincerity. Don’t push or prod but allow them to express their feelings with you. Don’t make them feel wrong. Ask them what happened, and how did it make them feel. Their perspective comes from their understanding of their environment. Sometimes children are not connecting the dots or able to process their experiences fully yet. If they are struggling, gently guide them to another way of looking at a situation.
3. You do need to correct inappropriate behavior. They may or may not be aware that something they did was the wrong thing to do. There are basic social standards that our sages must live by. They must understand that treating others with respect and being responsible for their own actions is essential.
4. Let them know that Source/God is always with them, and that sometimes challenging things may come up but if they stay tuned to their inner being they will know what to do. Reassure them that you are always there for them and be sure that you are. If they have a loving parent or caregiver always in their corner, they can weather the storms.
5. Allow them to experience their own experiences. As a mother, we want to protect our children from any sort of pain. But sometimes it is through pain that we all grow and blossom. If we try to protect our children from everything, we’re sending a message that we don’t believe in them and their ability to stand on their own. Stay tuned to your inner being so you know when to step in and when to let them fall and get back up on their own feet. Each success teaches them empowerment and trust in themselves. But you can still hold their hand while they’re figuring things out. A hug and an “I love you” is simple but can mean the world to them.
6. Be present. Be mindful. Be a good example. Most parents have busy lives, but you’ve got to carve out a few minutes each day to be present with each child in your care. Everything you say and do is being picked up by your children. Embrace your own life with love and appreciation so they can follow in your footsteps.
7. If your children are grown, don’t beat yourself up for your mistakes as a parent. Sometimes we make better grandparents because of our own life experiences, failures, and successes along our life journey. What a gift for your adult children to learn from your example as you embrace and let go of their children while they come and go in your experience. You can be the parent to your grandchildren that you wished you had been to your children. Your adult children can embrace their own inner sage as long as you let them be who they are.

I’m grateful for my own experiences, even the difficult ones. Some I wouldn’t wish on anyone and others I wish I had relished in longer than I had. One of the most important things we can do for our own well-being is to let go of the need to control others. While we’re raising children, any children, we must find that balanced state of gently guiding them, rather than trying to control them. Fear of punishment or possibility of reward is not the optimal way to make a person good. They will be good because they learned that being good feels good. Being good connects them to their inner being, their higher power, to God. There’s no greater feeling on earth than this connection. If you can focus on these things, you will enrich your own experience as well as your children’s, and you will grow to be the sage that you want your children to be.