Moving Forward After Loss

What I Experienced After My Husband Passed

This isn’t a typical story between David and me. We had a tough time the first couple of years and then something incredible happened, which I’ll explain in more detail in another post. The point of this is surviving the death of a spouse as I got to experience it myself in 2020. I’ve lost a lot of people who checked off the planet, my mother, my sister, my dad, several friends recently, aunts, uncles, etc., but nothing compares to losing David.  The death of a spouse or significant other can be devastating. These are the people we are closest to. They’re our partner, our lover, our best friend. We rely on them for unconditional love, support, and companionship. They become a big part of who we are.

 David and I did almost everything together and we loved being in each other’s company. We met in 2009 during the economic crash. David had gotten laid off and I was losing my business. We went through some tough times together and we got through it with our belief that better things were to come. We both believed that life doesn’t end when the physical body dies, God is everything and everyone is part of the One. There’s a lot more going on in the universe than we could ever wrap our heads around in this physical life. Then in 2012, David began channeling. It began slowly and within a few months, he was in constant connection with Holy Spirit. We didn’t tell anyone, but their wisdom showed through when David counseled with people. He often questioned if he had lost his mind. I knew he hadn’t. I knew David, and I knew the wisdom coming from them.

David’s communication with the higher beings made us aware of our connection with God, Holy Spirit, Source. For the next eight years, we learned much about God, the Universe, our eternalness, and how we are always connected to everything. They shared many mysteries with us and made promises of things to come. Time went on, David continued to spend his days talking with “Holy Spirit” and I mostly worked. I resigned myself to believe that all of the things they promised us were just to heal our psychology and I carried on with my normal life. In November of 2020, they began telling us that David will soon know everything about me and that I would love him more than I ever had. This went on for a couple of weeks and then in December David collapsed from a brain bleed. We didn’t have insurance for David and after a few days the hospital was pressuring me to either let them pull the tubes and most likely let him pass or hook him up to a more permanent breathing and feeding apparatus and send him to a nursing home where he would spend the rest of his days in a coma. I prayed and meditated for days for God to tell me what to do, and finally got a strong feeling that all would be well, we should pull the tubes, and that David would be OK. After talking it over with his oldest son, we decided it was time to let God do His will. I was convinced God would show us a miracle and that David would wake up, but he didn’t.

When I got home that night, I lay on David’s bed and prayed for God to take me too. I couldn’t imagine life without him. We had plans and music projects that couldn’t happen without him. The winter scarf was tight around my neck as I lay there, and I began to black out. Just then, my Weimaraner, Christian, came into the room. I looked over at him and he was staring at me. Dammit! The animals need me and I couldn’t leave them. One small purpose for being here, just for now, got me through in the moment. More moments would come later, I knew.  I realized now that what Holy Spirit had said to us was about David’s transition. I realized how much I loved him after he was physically gone. And it is in our transition out of physical that we reach broader perspective. David would have known all there was to know about me in that moment and after.  

Over the next several months, David, the brilliant and determined man that he is, left me signs that he was still around. On my good days, I was fascinated by his ability to manipulate the physical and to line things up in perfect timing. Yet even in my knowing that we are eternal, and he was still here, I still had some difficult days. I just stayed out of public when I felt vulnerable and let myself cry it out, feeling the emotional pain and embracing it. This was part of my journey and I had to accept my new role on my own. The sadness still comes, but I don’t get as swallowed up in it and I can let it pass more quickly.

It doesn’t make sense to try and bury the hurt, it will just keep welling back up, usually at very unpractical times.  We get strength from surviving our losses and I believe God draws closer to us in our grief in the beginning, maybe because we are in more of a state of surrender. If we can maintain that state and continually pray for God’s will, we can feel God’s grace and love within. We get these gifts of knowing that we may not seek during our normal busy lives. I talk with David and Holy Spirit often. It keeps me feeling connected, and it feels good knowing that they loved me enough to reach out to me when I desperately needed them, even at times when I wasn’t so tapped in. God waits patiently, always gentle, always guiding. I got mad at God one day in the barn and cussed at him for taking my husband. It was just a moment but then I quickly apologized. It didn’t offend God, it just made me feel bad for blaming Him in my selfishness. David was on his path, and I was on mine. We each chose.

David is still a whisper away and I’m OK with that. I’m grateful for the time we had here together in this life. He’s not doing the cool magic tricks he did in the beginning after his transition when I needed to see proof he was here. He stayed really close while I needed him the most. Over time, I began to get my legs back under me and I became less in need of constant reassurance from him. I cling more to my own inner being, my Holy Spirit, for guidance. He often said you have to talk with your Holy Spirit, which was Their advice. Each one of us will make our own transition home one day, and from what I hear from David, Holy Spirit, and stories from others, it’s a wonderful place! Our loved ones are there waiting for us, still loving us, and watching over us.

Some of us don’t hear anything from our deceased loved ones; no dreams, no words, no signs, leaving us to wonder if they do still exist. Some of us are afraid of considering this possibility and don’t want any part of it. Others want to believe but get no evidence. God knows what’s best for us and I believe that there is a reason for the silence, a reason unique to each one of us. If we are buried in grief, it may do more harm than good for us to hear from them. We may be getting signs but just not able to see or hear them. If we’re angry or defensive, we likely get nothing. It’s also possible that our loved ones are settling in on the other side and not ready or able to reach back just yet. Time there is different than here.  Life on earth can be traumatic and sometimes it takes a while for them to acclimate over there. After a while though, they may visit us in dreams, we may smell their perfume or cologne, hear a meaningful song at just the right moment, or hear them say our name. They don’t want us to suffer over their passing. They want us to be well, live a good life, and enjoy the rest of our time here. To them, it’s just a moment on their side and we’ll be back home with them.

It was comforting for me to read books and watch videos on the afterlife and Near-Death Experiences. There is overwhelming evidence that we do continue after physical passing and scientific evidence that our consciousness is not contained within the body but is inside and outside of us. There are hundreds of thousands of documented Near Death accounts and they are worth exploring. Dr Eben Alexander is one amazingly credible experiencer worth listening to. If you’ve not heard from your loved one, perhaps becoming more comfortable with this possibility will help clear the path for you. In the meantime, don’t give up on life. There’s a reason you and I are still here. If you’re not sure what your reason is, ask God to reveal to you the next step in each moment. If you’ve been affected by the loss of someone close to you, be patient with yourself. You’re gonna be fine.  Live without regret and love those who are still around you. Say “I Love You” more often. Listen to others, especially the children, in your life and spend as much time in nature as possible.  Trust God and your inner being more. God is going to show you the way, I promise. Just be.