Step Nine – Making Amends

Step Nine – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This is a tricky step and one that must be handled with care and patience. We may not be in as much hot water with our loved ones as an addict or alcoholic might, but we still need to consider the hurt feelings of others when going about our amends making. This step is about righting a wrong and taking responsibility, not digging up old wounds or creating new ones. If we can apologize, we do. If we can fix it, we do. In any case, we must remain humble and let God direct us in our actions.

We approach our people with respect and with gratitude that they gave us an opportunity to learn about ourselves.  Our amends, in whatever form they may take, must be from the heart.  Our amends can be either verbal or written, in person or in an email or letter, whichever is more appropriate and feasible. Acknowledging that we did harm, and communicating with sincerity and compassion, will help them heal as well. If we can make direct amends, God can direct us and create opportunities for us with those people at the right time. If we must write, God can help us find the words that will best help all concerned.  

We go about our amends making with dignity and we don’t need to explain or validate ourselves. We simply acknowledge in most cases and apologize.  In others, if we can restore things we had taken, we do so to our best ability.  If we owe money, we can repay it over time. We must avoid making unrealistic promises to others or putting overwhelming burdens on ourselves.  We just do our best.

There are some people we cannot make our amends to for whatever reason.  This may change in time so for now, we let it be. Some people may not be aware that we had done them harm and making amends would be hurtful to them. In these cases, we leave the past alone. We must remain patient. God will be working with us, helping us, guiding us, and creating opportunities for us.  We will feel much relief as we move through this process and work toward restoring ourselves and our relationships with others.